Magneto's Plumber
by Mosilium
Summary: Even evil needs janitors - and plumbing. But when the villain is a metal-bending mutant with genius-level intellect, plumbing gets a lot more complicated, more so than his usual cohorts can manage. So, to his annoyance, he had to turn to a human. Today starts as just another day on the job for her... until it all goes down the drain.
1. Just Another Day On The Job

Disclaimer: Marvel characters belong to Marvel, not to me.

Author's Note: this is meant to occur 'in the near future', in a melting-pot X-Men universe that mixes a bit of the movies, older comics and animated series.

* * *

It starts as a routine morning in a European suburb that shall remain anonymous, for obvious reasons. Getting ready, getting _the kids_ ready, kissing the husband good day, getting the kids to school. The point where things get different is when I head to our backyard for the journey to work.

'Journey' might seem like a strong word, considering that the commute is actually thirty minutes, tops, which is pretty good by the standards of this city. And that I don't have to worry about traffic or broken trains, which makes the whole thing kind of cool, like those top executives who use helicopters. That's the benefit of riding in a giant steel ball to work. The downsides are a) the jokes, and b) no windows.

The really impressive part is that the bloody thing is somehow supersonic, so half an hour is all it takes me to reach the unfortunate Latin American country that has the dubious privilege of hosting Magneto's current base.

Once the ball has docked in its hangar, I head first for coffee - at least it's good here - and check the system logs. Plumber is a bit of a misnomer for what I do, though it includes that too. And, in an outfit that has Toad and Sabertooth as regular members, taking care of the plumbing offers some _unique_ challenges.

Before I came into the picture, Toad was the closest thing Magneto had to a handyman, and he is the guy who once wired every apparatus entrusted to him with the brown wire to the ground because he thought it was the right color. (For reference, it's the striped green and yellow wire that goes to ground. They made it that way so no one could possibly mix it up.) Since Magneto has little patience for such notions as a staged power-up, or field-testing, what should have been a spectacular launch ended up as a spectacular explosion.

Now, Magneto has discovered how handy it could be to have someone who could turn a scribbled diagram into a working psychic shield without shorting half the inventory along the way, and he hasn't let me go. Not that I would want that either, as I'm rather afraid his notion of 'employee termination' would be putting emphasis on the word 'termination'.

Today, I find an order to check the wiring and power on the transmitter array. It's the giant satellite dish that sits right on top of the base (to forestall any question, no, Magneto is not worried about the local military). That means Magneto will likely want to do a worldwide transmission in the near future. Of course, in this day and age, he doesn't _need_ to hijack TV transmissions to reach a worldwide audience. I think he does it just for the principle of the thing - he isn't the kind of guy to rely on anything 'social' or 'viral'.

Usually, I wouldn't worry too much about whatever Magneto is cooking up. A worldwide address in the morning would mean an afternoon forecast of 'rain, with a strong probability of X-Men', and making it off work early because the base has been trashed. But between the rumbles about authorizing mutant-hunting robots in the States (Sentinels - sounds better than 'giant murderous robots', right?), and the new guys that have joined Magneto recently, I'm afraid the ragtag team of mutant superheroes might be outclassed this time.

As I start rappelling down the back of the antenna - because _someone_ is too busy to put it back into parking position-, I spot a figure sticking at a right angle to one of the support beams.

'Hey, Toad.'

'Yo, Plumbie.'

As I lower myself closer to his perch, I see that the usual greenish tinge of his skin has turned a much darker shade in several places, and he is nursing his right arm.

'You're up early,' I comment. It is, after all, 8 a.m. local time.

'Got woken up by some Acolytes,' he grumbles. 'They wanted to get me into their morning meeting.'

'Eh. For this, I'm glad I'm human. I don't think I will be invited to one of those anytime soon.'

'What a bunch of dorks,' he snorts. 'Eating up the shit that guy Cortez is serving to them. It's like he wants them to worship the boss or something.'

'He sure tries to get that Messiah vibe going. But he doesn't really cut it as a prophet. Hey, he chose the name of a _conquistador_ as his 'mutant name'. It's kind of giving away the game.'

'Well, me, I'm not buying it. I joined with Magneto so I could kick some human ass, live the good life. Not to listen to that psycho.'

My eyes follow the direction of Toad's look, down to the base below us. When we first moved the base here, Mastermind took one look at Cortez and these 'Acolytes', and then he was gone, literally in one blink. Well, he disappeared from our eyes in one blink - he likely took time to pick up his stuff, just without anyone being able to see him. His illusions are powerful enough that Magneto is the only one who can track him down, and he only ever bothers if he needs him for his current scheme.

'If I don't hear the phrase 'our lord Magneto' ever again, it will be too soon,' I mumble.

Toad's thoughts must have run along similar tracks, because his next words echo mine, in his own way:

'Screw this shit. I'm outta here.'

The next instant he is bouncing off, down the antenna and into the forest below. And I'm more conflicted about him leaving than I would ever have expected before we came here. Mastermind slipping out didn't mean much - Toad, on the other hand, that's a really bad sign. It comes on top of Sabertooth 'taking time off to get in touch with his mutation' (in Magneto's words - translated: he has gone completely feral again). With Mystique sent out on an infiltration mission ever since the first Sentinel appeared, that leaves only Cortez and his own people in the base with Magneto. And me.

I quickly replace the broken relay I was tracking down, and get back to ground level. Right at the entrance is the aforementioned Cortez, conversing with the two flunkies on guard duty. It's unusual enough for him to bother with such trivialities that I start wondering. Was he watching me?

As I brush past them without a word, I can feel his look on me. I should be past the point where being in close quarters with a bunch of mutant supremacists is anything but another day on the job, yet he still manages to unnerve me. To help you understand why, let me give you a comparison. When you're human and you're unlucky enough to meet Magneto face-to-face, he has this look that tells you he could kill you on the spot, and he would not loose a wink of sleep. Cortez, though? Cortez looks like he could kill you on the spot, and he would enjoy it.

'Magneto's human,' he sneers in my back. 'Don't worry, your usefulness is not going to last much longer.'

I'm spared from trying to reply to _that_ when I get a ping on my mPhone. Now, the mPhone is simply a heavily modded smartphone, guaranteed not to send its data to anyone but Magneto. The choice for its name was, as ever, unfortunately predictable. That particular ping signals a message from Magneto himself, and its perfect timing probably owes to the base's surveillance system. It simply reads 'Come to the main lab now. M.' I turn around and show it to Cortez.

'Still more useful than you, apparently,' I can't resist commenting. It won't faze him, but my target audience is actually the rest of the Acolytes. I prefer to reinforce regularly the notion that Magneto would be... annoyed if anything unexpected happened to me.

'Keep believing that... Plumber.'

Apparently, Cortez can't resist a parting shot, even an uninspired one.

Making my way down, unhindered for now, I can't help but retracing how we - I - landed in that particular mess. Besides fawning adoration, amplified powers (that's Cortez' mutant power), and a country where they have practically free reign, Cortez and his Acolytes offered something else to Magneto: a chance to get his hands on a Sentinel prototype. The local government was so terrorized by their attacks, that they accepted the offer from Trask Corp to become the testing ground for their Sentinel program.

As the skewered Sentinel currently lying in Magneto's lab can attest, there is still room for improvement.

Now, I don't mean to criticize too harshly. I've seen the thing, and I can tell a lot of effort went into it. The overall craftsmanship is excellent, and a lot of attention was paid to the details: very little metal for Magneto to work with, top-quality components from the repulsors in the feet to the optical sensors in the 'eyes', a well-protected central processing unit, and a communication array that packs quite a punch.

The computing core was, if anything, too well protected, because Magneto got it intact. He has spent the past two days deciphering every software component, since he was not satisfied by his examination of the hardware. Of course, he is looking for a way - any way - to take control of the robots for his own use, or at least flip their programming, so that they attack humans instead of mutants. So when I get to the main lab, I already know nothing good can come out of this whole situation.

As I enter, Magneto abandons the pattern-recognition algorithms he was sifting through, and turns back to the Sentinel lying there. He picks up a small unit from a tray, with a rather sharp-looking protuberance - made of some sort of ceramic, of course - bonded to a circuit board.

'This,' he starts, adopting his teacher tone, 'is the heart of the Sentinel: the mutant detector unit. Unfortunately, its workings still elude me, and Mystique has been unable to procure its schematics. So,' he adds through clenched teeth, 'it appears that I need your help to figure it out.'

Great. I need to nip that kind of thinking right in the bud.

'No, you don't,' I answer firmly. 'You have built stuff ten times bigger and more complicated than a killer robot - on your own. I had to practically rewrite Maxwell's equations to account for the unnatural things you do to the laws of electromagnetism. You can _look_ at a motherboard and tell what is running on the computer. So, if _you_ can't figure out how this thing works, I'm certainly not the one...' I am about to finish '... who is going to', but then I do figure it.

And then I got a problem, because I really should keep that 'I got it' expression out of my face, but I'm not good at poker faces. And then the whole world has a problem, because Magneto _also_ has his 'I got it' face, and he is _smirking_.

'Thank you for your help, my dear. I could not have figured it without you.'

Christ, what an asshole.


	2. Down the Drain

One hour, that's all it takes Magneto to exploit his discovery. He had his plans all made up already, of course, which is why he asks me right off the bat where Toad is. Naturally, it's like he remembers the guy exists for the first time in a week, and suddenly he becomes quite unhappy to discover that he is missing. He shows the slightest bit of a frown, and he looks at me like it's somehow my fault. In general, that should be a signal for anyone to go scrambling. But I just stare back because, honestly, I'm not going to manage his terrorist group for him. I've already done enough for today.

After that, things go down the drain at an alarming speed. Magneto does his usual 'humanity shall be crushed' speech, with a side of 'come and get me'. He has even decided to move to live streaming on the web for this one. He doesn't want anyone to miss anything that's about to go down, so he has cameras covering every possible angle outside the base.

Up until today, some world leaders had some reservations about a private corporation building nigh-indestructible killing machines, but now they have all agreed to a massive Sentinel strike. Above us, the sky seems to fill with giant murderous robots. Radar in fact counts only ten of them, but holy shit, at the risk of repeating myself, _giant murderous robots_. I would like to imagine that they flew in very fast, but it is far more likely that they were just pre-positioned offshore. I bet someone was positively _itching_ for a rematch.

On the ground, the perimeter cameras have picked up some troops, but they have been staying wisely out of the immediate vicinity of the base. Me, I've got a front-row seat of my own, but in a safer location - the main control room. I've got access to every camera feed we've got, but naturally, I'm locked out of any actual control. It's a nifty little device Magneto has developed a long time ago - as long as he is anywhere in the vicinity, his innate magnetic field exerts enough pressure on the switch to lock out any other input, without any conscious action on his part.

And then, bold as you please, Magneto flies out to meet the robots head-on, alone. Much as I hate the guy, it does look kind of awesome for a moment. Maybe something in my brain that triggers when I see a fight between a living, human-shaped being, and an army of robots. And even if I of all people should know what is coming, when he _waves a hand_ and all the robots stop in the air, I can't help but stay open-mouthed for a bit.

Magneto doesn't lose time though, and soon the robots, so carefully crafted out of non-magnetic materials, have all iron bands wrapped around their torsos. He then drags them along with him, down to the ground in front of the base, where Cortez and his Acolytes are waiting. Cortez strikes a bit of a pose, as if the boost he gave Magneto had any part in what went down. The Acolytes on the other hand, even the most devoted, look a bit wary.

Magneto switches to his 'pompous speech' mode, shouting:

'Do not fear, my brothers! I have reversed the programming of the Sentinels! We are quite safe from them. Instead, they will be the tools to destroy those who meant to destroy us! Watch!'

And sure, the Sentinels ignore the Acolytes, as they did Magneto after his little party trick. But as soon as he pushes them towards the soldiers' positions, they go into full 'Exterminate' mode. Fortunately, the soldiers were here to mop up after the Sentinels, and they obviously were not planning to take on killer robots. They run into the trees, and the Sentinels' fire dies down, but not before it has taken its toll.

'I trust this little demonstration has shown to the world that we can handle whatever they throw at us, and fight back! When our time comes, the Sentinels will be the heralds of mutant domination over the Earth!' Magneto concludes for the benefit of the cameras.

'Why wait, Magneto?' asks Cortez suddenly. 'Why not march now to the capital, take this country as ours? Today can be the first day of mutant liberation!'

Actually, I know why, but no one is asking me.

'I'll tell you why, Magneto!' When a guy like Cortez asks a question, it is a fair bet he is going to make up an answer too. 'Because you have become too timid! You do not have the fire for the cause anymore!'

At his gesture, the two flunkies from this morning come out of the woods behind the base, where they had apparently been waiting just for this moment. They are dragging Toad between them. If the guy did not look good before, he is now in a really bad way, but he is still conscious enough to sneer.

Cortez points to him.

'You have surrounded yourself with defeatists and traitors! And a _human_!'

For people who were theoretically worshipping Magneto, the Acolytes look like they are taking Cortez' words in stride. A lot of groundwork likely went into that betrayal. Some of them look positively eager when Cortez starts to address the next point on his agenda:

'I really am sorry to see it come to that, Magneto. Your contributions to mutant ascension will always be remembered. But if you cannot live up to your own ideals, it is better for you to die for them. As a martyr for the cause, you will help me rally our brethren everywhere!'

Up until that moment, Magneto had let the little scene unfold with unusual passivity, as if making Cortez' point for him. With his helmet covering most of his features, there was no visible reaction to Toad's appearance, or to Cortez' fake apology.

As Cortez reaches the call for his death though, there is a reaction, sudden and deadly. Struts from the satellite dish are ripped out and start converging towards Cortez and the Acolytes. But Cortez did not make his speech only for his public, or out of a sense of duty as a cartoon villain - he had a purpose in keeping Magneto's attention on him.

The fight as it is very short, and it would be incomprehensible to an observer who did not know the powers at play.

Cortez' move is beautiful because it relies on basic physics - the equilibrium of forces. He has an Acolyte who controls gravity, and who has been slowly increasing gravity around Magneto, as if to bring him down. Magneto has been producing an upward magnetic force, matching in strength, to keep himself above the ground.

Then I see the Acolyte release his hold suddenly, removing the downward force from the equation. This is combined with Magneto being unfamiliar with the strength of his powers after Cortez boosted him, so that he underestimates the upward force he is actually producing. The equilibrium between upward and downward forces is disrupted, and bam - enough acceleration to launch Magneto into orbit.

Tradition dictates that, at this point, I must make a comment on how 'there is no way he is surviving that'. But I prefer not to delude myself. I've seen him survive explosions, crashes, X-Men, and that one time with the giant green tentacle monster. So yes, my money is that he will walk out of this too, eventually.

The problem is that it leaves me, alone in the base, with a bunch of crazed mutant fanatics _and_ a bunch of murderous robots on the doorstep. The good news is, Magneto is now far enough away that the deadlock he put on the computers is released.

I eject the disk that fed into the transmitter array, and swap in another that was lying there, ready. I confirm that it contains what I expected, and start transmitting to the Sentinels. They open fire again, this time on the Acolytes - but not on Toad.

Because that's the secret of the 'mutant detector' - it doesn't work. It doesn't exist. There is, in fact, absolutely no detector in existence that can tell if someone has a certain gene from five hundred feet away. Just like the guy who sold dowsing rods as bomb detectors for thousands of pounds a piece - the guys in the Sentinel program sold a mutant detector that isn't anything more than a piece of ceramic knife glued on top of some printed circuit board ripped from an old PC.

That's also why the 'eyes' of the Sentinels are so sophisticated, why they have state-of-the-art facial recognition software, and such powerful communication arrays. They need them not for tracking mutants they have 'detected', but for detecting mutants in the first place, recognizing them from an illegal database which the designers have accumulated.

And the bloody idiots were so in love with their idea of giant murderous robots, that they did not stop and consider the likelihood that someone else - say, a master of magnetism with a chip on his shoulder the size of Manhattan - would come along and use that little feature. He got the comm encryption from Mystique, and he used his transmitter array to hijack the command signal and force the Sentinels to use _his_ database instead of the original, first against the soldiers on the perimeter cameras, then against Cortez and the Acolytes.

No need of subtle hardware manipulation inside the Sentinels, no need to change any of the programming. A wave of his hand to activate the array, and the trick was done.

And now, the database does not have anyone in it except Cortez and his merry band of fanatics. And, say what you will about them, but the Sentinels _are_ pretty good at what they were designed for. With surprise on their side, their first volley is deadly. The mutants are no slouches either, so there are robot bits flying all over the place soon afterwards.

Ten minutes in, both sides have lost about three quarters of their strength. On the side of the mutants, that includes Cortez, who was caught in the first blast.

And so it happens that Magneto has now eliminated his biggest competition on the peace-is-not-an-option corner of mutant politics. And he did it while keeping his hands clean, because, hey, it's a human who pulled the trigger. I should probably be pissed about the way he used me as his failsafe, but if certain people get the message that giant murderous robots are overall a bad idea, then the whole episode was worth it.

Exactly at this moment, there is a ping for a message on my mPhone:

 _Plumber,_

 _The self-destruct sequence has just been set to go off in five minutes._

 _M._

I make it to the hangar in three, beating my personal best time.

That's it. I quit.

... Ah well, who am I kidding? At least I'm on vacation.


End file.
